Do guys experience 'manopause'?

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.



What happens when a man’s testosterone level starts to go south as he ages? Do guys experience their own version of menopause? Sort of, but not exactly.

Unlike women, men experience hormonal changes gradually over a period of many years. A man’s testosterone level peaks around age 20, and then steadily declines from about 40 on, so ultimately it’s about 50% less by the time he is 80 years old. The result can sometimes be a condition called “andropause,” which potentially affects millions of American men.

The symptoms – irritability, changes in sexual function and erectile quality, low desire – can have a very real impact on a guy’s sex life and his overall relationship.

But low testosterone doesn’t always signal a problem. There’s a huge range in what is considered "normal" for the sex hormone testosterone, according to my Good in Bed colleague and author of a woman’s guide to male sexual issues, psychiatrist Madeleine Castellanos. Testosterone levels fluctuate greatly throughout the day (they’re highest in the morning) and even during different seasons.

Life itself can also affect testosterone. When a man enters a steady relationship, his levels tend to drop somewhat, and then drop even further when he has small children. (This may be nature’s way of trying to ensure that fathers remain monogamous and supportive of their offspring.)

In fact, testosterone seems to respond greatly to different challenges as the body’s way of regulating its energy and resources. Any type of competition – from trying to pick up a woman at a bar, to playing a game of chess – will increase a man’s testosterone level to prepare him for the challenge.

“What is most fascinating is that if a man is victorious, his testosterone level gets a 20% boost,” says Castellanos in her guide to male sexual issues. “If he is not, he may experience up to a 90% dip in testosterone.”

To complicate matters further, two men of the same age may have exactly the same testosterone level but feel very different physically, emotionally, and sexually.

When andropause is diagnosed, the guy may be treated with testosterone replacement, depending on his health history. Just as there are various hormone replacement therapies for women, there's also testosterone replacement therapy for men – and research is still ongoing into potential side effects. These therapies should be explored cautiously. The male brain monitors the circulating level of testosterone in the body and will actually decrease production of testosterone if it determines it’s too high.

Says Castellanos, “Testosterone replacement is not without its side effects, such as decreased sperm production and shrinkage of the testicles. Also, it is contraindicated for men with prostate disease.”

There’s also much that men can do to boost testosterone on their own. Castellanos recommends keeping a regular schedule of both aerobic exercise and weight training, getting enough sleep, decreasing stress to manageable levels, having appropriate levels of zinc in the diet, and experiencing a sense of accomplishment and success regularly.

I generally recommend that all men, regardless of age, get their testosterone levels checked. That’s because there’s such a wide range in what’s considered a normal level, and ideally you’ll know your baseline and be able to better understand changes as you get older.

In youger men, a normal testosterone level is considered to be anywhere between 270-1030, which is quite a spectrum. The truth is that most doctors don’t check testosterone levels in younger men, unless specifically requested, so most men are unable to clearly know as they age whether they are experiencing symptoms that can be directly correlated to andropause.

But regardless of your age, it’s not too late to get your t-level checked and regularly monitored. Just as most people know their blood type, every guy should know his baseline testosterone level.

To each his own: Men and fetishes

lan Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
 

As a sexuality counselor and author, I’m often asked, “What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever dealt with?”

I wish I could tell them something really juicy, like naked clowns wrestling in Jell-O, for example, but the truth is that most sexual complaints tend to be rather common: sex ruts, mismatched libidos, erectile disorder and premature ejaculation in men, and orgasm problems and painful sex for women.

What people really want to know about are the unusual sexual fetishes of others (also known clinically as paraphilias), which affect a much smaller percentage of people.

Interestingly enough, most of those people happen to be men. That’s not to say that women lack their own unique turn-ons and turn-offs, their kinks and squicks (sexual repulsions), but when it comes to, say, having a favorite fantasy versus having an obsession in which all sexual pleasure is almost exclusively derived from a single object, body part or sex practice, more men seem to fall in the latter category.

In their compelling new book "A Billion Wicked Thoughts," (also discussed in this blog) neuroscientists Ogi Ogas, Ph.D. and Sai Gaddam, Ph.D., analyzed more than a billion Internet searches in order to learn about the differences between male and female sexual preferences, as well as what those differences tell us about how our brains are wired, and why, for example, men are more predisposed to have fetishes:

“The male sexual software is what a computer engineer would call an 'OR gate.' It is instantly aroused by any single cue. The male brain is turned on by deep décolletage or sashaying hips or the whisper of a sultry voice or two Applebee’s waitresses kissing. The female sexual brain is what a computer engineer would call an 'AND gate.' It requires input from multiple cues simultaneously to surpass a combined threshold of activation before arousal occurs. … Though for most men the OR gate can be triggered by any one of a variety of sexual cues, for some men one specific cue is essential. This necessary cue is a fetish.”

Although fetishes have been well-documented since the mid-19th century, and could easily fill an encyclopedia with thousands, if not tens of thousands, of entries (from agalmatophilia to zoophilia), the underlying mechanics of fetishes remain something of a mystery.

And while the American Psychiatry Association recognizes fetishes in its clinical bible, the "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders," there’s much professional dissent about how to treat fetishes and whether treatment can even be effective when a fetish is deeply ingrained in a person.

Freud believed (no surprise) that fetishes stem from issues such as a man’s universal fear of castration or his unconscious fear of his mother’s genitals, while many psychologists continue to believe that some sort of “sexual imprinting” must occur in the early childhood of the fetishist for sexual excitement and the fetish object to become so intricately enmeshed.

Today, fetishes are often treated with a combination of psychoanalysis (the search for deep unconscious meaning behind a fetish), cognitive behavior therapy (in which the fetishist’s thoughts are viewed as irrational ones that can be reversed with conscious mindfulness) and/or psychiatry, which seeks to alter the brain chemistry of the fetishist through drugs.

Even in our own expert-forum at Good in Bed, fetishes are a source of speculation. Recently, for example, a young woman complained of her boyfriend’s “freeze fetish” - his sexual propensity for immobility, statues and wax figures.

While her boyfriend didn’t seem to be exclusively turned on by the fetish, she nonetheless was confused and anxious. Our experts weighed in: “Fetishes don’t usually go away, but they can morph a little,” writes Dr. Madeleine Castellanos, author of "A Woman’s Guide to Men and Their Penis Problems."

“If people are disturbed by them, they could explore what the unconscious interpretation of the fetish is for them. Then they can experiment with another representation of that meaning that they can then assign erotic feelings.”

“The best way to treat fetishes is to identify the nonsexual meanings of the fetish and crack the erotic code by identifying what he is looking for unconsciously through the fetish,” adds psychotherapist Dr. Joe Kort. “Perhaps he was afraid of mannequins in retail stores or impressed with them or aroused by them as a child and now they have become part of this arousal template, or maybe he saw a movie or video about this as a child which caused it to become locked into his mind and now is eroticized. Whatever the case it could be helpful to understand the origins for both of you.”

Luckily, many people who would normally be distressed by a fetish are now finding like-minded peers via the Internet and/or some form of erotic stimulation (such as specialty porn) that caters to their specific interests.

Or they are fortunate enough to have sexual partners who, in the words of columnist Dan Savage, are sexually GGG (“good, giving and game”) and are willing to stretch their definition of the taboo and incorporate their partner’s fetish into their sex-play.

One single woman I know even joked that she’d love to meet a foot fetishist: At this point in her life, a good foot massage sounded better than sex. Perhaps the greatest goal for couples dealing with a partner who has a fetish is to decide how that fetish fits into their relationship.

“If a man is able to have healthy and hot sex with his partner and have his fetish fantasies without her and enjoy them,” asks Kort, "What’s wrong with that?”

Is casual sex worth it?

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
 

To do it, or not to do it: That is the question of casual sex - at least as depicted on film.

In both "Friends With Benefits" (currently playing) and the previously released "No Strings Attached," casual sex is anything but casual. It’s carefully weighed, hotly debated, methodically scrutinized and, of course, comically miscalculated. As in most romantic comedies, the casual sex turns out to be quite committed and just a part of falling in love and living happily ever after.

In the movies, blind lust and romantic love often intersect seamlessly, but in reality, casual sex is often an emotional dead-end rather than an on-ramp to relationship bliss.

Anthropologist Helen Fisher describes love as a three-phase system:

1) Lust, in which we can attach to anyone.

2) Attraction, in which lust finds its focus and blossoms into romantic love.

3) Attachment, in which romantic love matures into a long-term relationship.

Casual sex is often an expression of Phase 1 (lust at its most unfocused), but, unfortunately, many people go into it with the false hope that it will lead to romantic love. And that’s where life does not imitate the movies.

That’s not to say that casual sex is a bad thing. It can be loads of fun, as well as a way of trying out new things and practicing your sex skills for that future special person. But casual sex isn’t always so simple.

As my colleague Emily Nagoski, author of the Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms, writes, “Especially when it comes to having sex with someone for the first time, the question of what it is you actually want when you want sex is very complicated indeed. Because what do you want, when you want sex? Do you want to get laid? Do you want a relationship? Do you want love? Do you want revenge? Do you want to rebel? Do you want to get pregnant? ... Then there’s the question of whether or not (and what kind of) sex will get you what you want. Sex will get you laid. Whether or not it gets you a relationship or love or revenge or rebellion or a baby is less certain, and so the decision becomes complicated.”

Casual sex has its risks and rewards, although the movies tend to focus more on the risk of falling in love than, say, the very real consequence of contracting a sexually transmitted infection.

As the authors of "Sex in America" write of their interviews with more than 3,000 people, “Although we find that large numbers of Americans have had a sexually transmitted disease at least once in their lives, there is nothing random about where the diseases strike … the people who are most likely to be infected share one key characteristic: They have many sex partners.”

As it turns out, if a man has two to four sexual partners in his lifetime, his chances of ever having contracted a sexually transmitted infection are about 3%.

As the number of partners increases, so does the risk. With more than 20 partners, his risk is about 28%, almost a 1,000% increase. The same rough pattern is true of women, with the spectrum of percentages increasing from 5% to 35%.

It should therefore come as no surprise that the more partners a person has had, the more likely it is that he or she has engaged with those partners outside of a monogamous relationship, and that his or her partner falls into a similar pattern of casual sex, thereby greatly increasing the risk of having come into contact with a sexually transmitted infection.

Casual sex could trigger a domino effect of risky behaviors.

“The more partners an individual has,” according to "Sex in America," “the more likely he or she is to have sex with people who themselves have many partners, the more likely he or she is to have sex with virtual strangers, the more likely she or he is to have been under the influence of drugs or alcohol during some sexual encounters, and while it is more likely that a condom was used, the rate of increased use of a condom does not seem great enough to offset the higher risks of infection.”

I’m not trying to scare anyone out of casual sex. As Dr. Alex Comfort had to say in his book "The Joy of Sex," “There is no occasion for panic, or for losing out on the joy of sex - simply informed caution.”

So is casual sex worth it? You tell me. Like the recent spate of movies, does it ever have a happy ending?

Could I have been sexually abused?

Every weekday, a CNNHealth expert doctor answers a viewer question. On Tuesdays, it's Dr. Charles Raison, an associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Emory University, and an expert in the mind-body connection for health.

Question asked by Sarah from Chicago
I am wondering if I could have been molested as a child. I have this strong feeling that I was, but I can't remember anything. When I was young, 6 or 7, I used to make my dolls have sex. At 9, I began touching myself, even though I didn't know what it meant. I am now 29 and was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last year. I know this condition often comes with a history of childhood sexual abuse. Could it be possible?

Expert answer:
Your question touches upon tricky terrain and an area of mental health that is fiercely debated.

On one side are people who believe that amnesia for childhood abuse is common and needs to be overcome through therapeutic interventions designed to "recover memories."

On the other side are people who insist that such buried memories are far rarer than are false memories induced by well-meaning, but misguided, clinicians.

Ask our expert doctors a question

As with most complex issues there is likely truth on both sides. We know that people can be abused and not remember it as adults.

This fact was disturbingly brought home a few years ago by the case of a man who had videotaped himself having sex with a young child. Do you remember the case? The video was discovered; the man disappeared and headed to the hills armed to the teeth, only to be captured eventually by law enforcement. The girl he'd abused was at the edge of her teen years and had no memory whatsoever of the abuse event.

On the other hand, I have seen many cases of people with psychiatric symptoms who recovered memories of abuse during therapy, only later to become convinced that the memories were created rather than actual.

More than one family with no clear evidence of an abusive atmosphere has been destroyed by this phenomenon.

I don't know, and I don't think anybody knows, the percentage of recovered memories of abuse that are true versus false, so I'm not able to speculate about the odds that your feelings and suggestive behaviors do in fact hide a history of abuse of which you are unaware. I can say in general, however, that the possibility you were abused increases as factors consistent with abuse also increase.

Here are a few questions relevant to potential abuse: Was anybody else in your family physically or sexually abused? Was your family environment chaotic and violent? Was drug or alcohol abuse a prominent feature of your family's life?

To the degree that these types of experiences were part of your childhood, the possibility of abuse increases to the same degree. To the degree that your early family environment was supportive, loving and peaceful, the odds of unremembered abuse go down to that degree.

Are you an exhibitionist?

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
 

Are you an exhibitionist? Maybe even a little bit of one? Have you ever fooled around in the backseat of a taxi, or gotten it on at your parents’ house, or made out in an elevator or stairwell, or enjoyed some great sex amidst the great outdoors?

In my experience as a sexuality counselor, exhibitionism tops the list of frequent fantasies for both men and women and is also the inner desire that couples are most likely to translate into action. So what is it about being potentially caught in the act that’s such a turn-on?

On a simple level, the thrill of possibly being seen or heard while otherwise sexually engaged increases the brain’s transmission of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that’s a close cousin to adrenaline and plays a big role in sexual excitement.

As psychologist Elaine Hatfield says, “Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder.” And for those couples whose hearts are already deep in the throes of infatuation, exhibitionist behavior may simply be a byproduct of that all-consuming, can’t-keep-your-hands-off-each-other feeling, in which love is not only blind to the opinions of others, but also to their gaze.

And of course, for some, exhibitionism is more a matter of practicality (like when you’re living at home or with roommates) than a function of actual desire.

But still, a propensity for exhibitionism runs far and deep and many psychologists theorize that its broad appeal may be strongly related to our first youthful experiences with the intense pleasure of orgasm, which most of us experienced (whether on our own or with someone else) when the possibility of getting caught was close by - say, in our parents’ house.

And, not unlike the development of a fetish, these formative experiences may establish a powerful link between the particular risk of getting caught and the singular pleasure of sexual gratification.

As a result, even years later, the possibility of getting caught as manifest in our exhibitionistic urges elicits powerful feelings of sexual desire. We may be far from our teenage years (and even have kids of our own), but that doesn’t mean we’re not above acting like horny, hormone-addled teenagers when home for the holidays.

With exhibitionism, there is also an underlying sense of power that comes from being observed - a power in knowing that we may be arousing the watcher(s).

In their recent book on the Internet and sexual desire, authors Ogi Ogas, Ph.D., and Sai Gaddam, Ph.D., note that “one in four webcams on the free webcam network ChatRoulette are aimed at a penis.”

This strong compulsion to experience power through the premise of arousing others would explain why guys like Anthony Weiner “sext” photos to women they’ve never even met. It’s not about specific sexual gratification, but more about a general feeling of power.

While most women probably don’t get turned on by random photos of guys’ genitals, that’s not to say that women don’t also experience a power and pleasure in being desired, hence the female propensity to engage in other acts of exhibitionism just as much as men.

Classical paintings of nudes often featured women who were more interested in soliciting the sexual gaze of the disembodied spectator than anyone else with whom they happened to be depicted, and today much amateur porn features women who are often making love as much - even more - to the person on the other side of the camera as the person they’re actually with.

Exhibitionism is not just about the thrill of getting caught, it’s about being seen, admired, loved and appreciated. Not long ago there was a spate of Hollywood starlets — Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan — who were exposing themselves “accidentally” while wearing short skirts with nothing on underneath.

Clearly, this could have just been their desperate ploy for press, but it also felt like their desperate attempt to be wanted and sexually craved by one and all.

In the end, a little playful exhibitionism can be fun and exhilarating and may well be part of our innate sexual psychology—but remember, it can also get you arrested. While you may enjoy drinking a fruity cocktail like Sex on the Beach, don’t take that as a suggestion to actually have sex on the beach, as one young couple recently did. You could end up in jail.

It’s one thing not to be able to keep your hands off each other in public; it’s quite another when you can’t keep your genitals off each other. In that case, go get a room. Odds are you can find one with a view.

Is the economy downgrading your sex life?

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
 

All of the economic turbulence of the past few years has resulted in couples seriously cutting back on things like date nights, babysitters, gifts to each other, short trips and, of course, longer vacations.

Yet for all their thriftiness, couples are more anxious and stressed-out than ever about personal finances, and arguments over money remain one of the leading causes of marital strife. While it may seem counterintuitive to add to your expenses when going through your budget of must-haves and nice-to-haves, I implore you to find a way to put relationship satisfaction at the top of your priority list.

Things like date nights may not seem like necessities, but like trickle-down economics, a strong relationship feeds into personal and professional success. In fact, according to anthropologist Helen Fisher, people with healthy sex lives may even do better at work.

And a healthy sex life requires a strong underlying relationship to support it.

Financial stress is also a leading cause of low libido and sexual dysfunction, especially in men. Desire and sexual confidence are rooted in self-esteem, and - maybe it’s evolutionary - men derive so much of their sense of self-worth from their jobs and status as providers.

Normally in my practice, I tend to see men who suffer from sex issues that are more chronic than “situational,” meaning that the person generally has a long history with the problem and that it has a basis in underlying biological, psychological or relationship issues. But with the volatile ups and downs of the economy, many men are reporting the first-time occurrence of an issue - such as premature ejaculation, erectile disorder, delayed ejaculation and low desire – or that an occasional issue is suddenly becoming an ongoing problem.

When asked to discuss what’s going on, almost all of the men cite their anxiety over work (or lack thereof), mounting debt or arguments over money as a main source of their bedroom difficulties. In some cases, these concerns have caused men to go on anti-anxiety medications (which tend to have their own sexual side effects), but more often the men just feel anxious, distracted, depressed and/or have generally lost their mojo.

Sexual dysfunctions are a bit like bedbugs: Once they appear, they’re awfully hard to get rid of. Worrying about an issue often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. No wonder a recent study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that sexual performance anxiety plays a role in male infidelity.

Writes study co-author Robin Milhausen, a professor and sexuality researcher at the University of Guelph, “People might seek out high-risk situations to help them become aroused, or they might choose to have sex with a partner outside of their regular relationship because they feel they have an ‘out’ if the encounter doesn't go well - they don’t have to see them again.”

Although this also may sound counterintuitive - wouldn’t a guy who suffers from a sexual issue be less likely to cheat? - I’ve seen this dynamic play out many times, especially when a guy blames his partner for the issue or his feeling about the issue is enmeshed with his relationship.

This same study also suggests that women are more likely to cheat because of
With the threat of a double-dip recession looming, I’ve been encouraging couples to extend their own personal debt ceilings (so to speak) and start reinvesting in their relationships.
relationship issues. When a guy is tuned out, turned off, irritable and critical — as men often are over money issues - a woman is more likely to develop her own doubts about the relationship. Says Madeleine Castellanos M.D., author of "the Good in Bed Guide to Male Sexual Issues," “The economic downturn has sent lots of men into a funk: Job changes or loss, financial worries, and depression can all add up to a low libido. He may feel like less of a man, no matter how much you tell him that money doesn’t matter.”

Will money issues lead to infidelity in your relationship? Will they create sexual issues? We can hope not. But in my experience, financial issues are about more than just dollars and cents. Money is about emotions and family history, and just going through a credit card bill can lead to accusations, generalizations, outbursts, lies and ultimatums.

Our government often takes emergency action to create liquidity and protect the economy, and I think people need to do the same to protect their relationships. Call the babysitter and go on a date night; take that weekend getaway - it’s worth it.

A double dip-recession doesn’t have to mean a dip in your love life, and if you invest in your relationship, the return is virtually guaranteed.

Modern life rough on men

Didn’t men use to be more masculine? They were more ready to fight back, right? They walked with more swagger, and just did more things their way.

Researchers can’t measure swagger – but they can measure testosterone, the male sex hormone most responsible for masculine behaviors – and studies show that testosterone levels in men have been on the decline for decades.

Two major studies have confirmed the phenomenon, one in U.S. men and another in Danish men. In the U.S. study, the total testosterone levels measured in men’s blood dropped approximately 22% between 1987 and 2004.

Of course testosterone levels drop as men get older, but what makes the study shocking is that men today actually have less testosterone than men used to have at the same age.

The challenges to men’s health may not be limited to testosterone levels. The amount of sperm in ejaculated semen may be falling too.

A 1992 Danish analysis of sperm quality from other studies concluded that sperm quality has been dropping for decades, and a 1997 reanalysis using different mathematical modeling confirmed the decline, estimating a drop in sperm levels of about 1.5% per year in the United States.

But researchers have been gathering new data since 1996, this time using semen from Danish 18-year olds testing for military service.

That data shows no such decline at all. Oddly, the results have not been published in a peer-reviewed journal, but were instead released early to the Danish government, which then published them online.

If there’s strong evidence that testosterone is dropping, and the jury is still out on the decline of sperm, what other health challenges are men facing?

Male sex organ malformations are certainly among them. Hypospadias for example, a condition in which the man’s urethra opens somewhere before the tip of the penis, nearly doubled in prevalence from 1970 to 1993 according to national Birth Defects Monitoring Program.

Another study found that the percentage of babies in neonatal intensive care units with hypospadias jumped from just .4% in 1987 to 4% in 2000.

Boys also suffer higher rates of once-rare disorders like ADHD and autism. A comprehensive study of South Korean schoolchildren published earlier this year estimates 3.74% of all boys in that country have some form of autism, compared to 1.74% of girls.

To top it all off: there’s evidence that the percentage of babies born male is declining.

In the general population the difference is slight, but statistically relevant. One group of epidemiologists found that in the United States, the percentage of Caucasian babies born male decreased from 51.43% in 1970 to 51.22% in 2002. That’s equivalent to about 21 fewer men per 10,000 births.

In some populations, the drop is far more significant.

A group of Native Americans – the Chippewas of Aamjiwnaang – live on a reserve surrounded by large industrial chemical plants in Ontario, Canada. The percentage of male births there dropped from a normal rate of 55.1% in the years 1989-1993 to just 34.8% in the years 1999-2003.

Why is this happening?

Many researchers cited here mention changes in our environment, like an increase in the number of chemicals we’re exposed to in the womb, and throughout life.

Precisely how it all happens though is somewhat outside our scientific understanding, and of course something like testosterone levels affects each man very differently.

“Two men of the same age may have exactly the same testosterone level but feel very different physically, emotionally, and sexually,” says Ian Kerner, CNN’s sex counselor. “I try to work with men to re-define sex in a way that works with their situation.”

What is clear is that for whatever reason – men are taking some big biological punches from modern life.

Is charity sex better than no sex?

an Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed. 

Is pushing yourself when you’re not in the mood an investment in your relationship?
You may be bristling at the phrase “charity sex.” If you’re a woman, perhaps it brings to mind past, award-worthy, faked orgasms. Or maybe it reminds you of that time you bit your tongue and had sex because you were sick of hearing him ask for it. If you’re a guy, you might be thinking, “better than nothing.”
Or possibly, just possibly, you assume I’m referring to guilt-induced sex…... the sort you engage in because you feel bad for not throwing your partner a bone lately... the sort you suffer through, only to feel resentment later on.

But don’t equate charity sex with pity sex. Rather, see charity sex as a means of reestablishing a connection with your partner, and of making an important investment in your relationship.

Think of it as a donation, rather than an assessment. As blogger Heidi Raykeil has written, “The other night I was enjoying some “me” time, curled up on the couch watching the latest episode of "Grey’s Anatomy." Meanwhile, my husband was tossing and turning in bed, stressed out over his latest work project.

Frankly, between McDreamy and McSteamy, I was already pretty satisfied. But if I know one thing about my husband, it’s that sex helps him sleep. So I put down the remote and headed upstairs to take one for the team. That’s right: I had charity sex. And you know what? It was actually pretty hot.”

Pity sex is about checking sex off your to-do list. Charity sex is about checking in with each other. It’s not about meeting someone else’s physical needs—it’s about meeting your relationship’s emotional ones. It’s about opening up, quite literally, to each other.

Why might you engage in charity sex? You might do it because your partner is all wound up from work, and sex relaxes him or her. You might do it because she’s feeling a little down, and sex gives her a boost. Or maybe you do it because —- like some 41 million Americans - you’ve both gone too many days, weeks, or even months without sex.

It’s easy for sex to fall to the bottom of your to-do list when you have so many other things on your mind. The bills? The housework? The kids? The latest episode of "Breaking Bad"? Who has time for sex!? Unfortunately, the less often you have sex, the harder it is to get back into the groove. Testosterone levels drop and, as a result, libido levels drop, too. Before you know it, you’re experiencing the longest dry spell of your life.

Charity? You feel you don’t have enough to give! Fortunately, if you dig deep, you can still do your relationship some good. How?

Fake it ’til you make it. No. I’m not advocating fake orgasms. But there’s definitely something to be said for putting in a little effort. With charity sex, you may not initially feel as if you’re in the mood, but if you start going through the motions, your desire will likely catch up.

As Emily Nagoski has written in the "Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms," “Putting your body through the moves of faking one could actually lead to having one.” So start slowly, with intimate touching. Allow yourself to enjoy some pleasurable sensations. Try not to think about anything —- your to-do list; that meeting tomorrow morning -— but how it feels when the two of you touch. Before you know it, that offering of charity sex will start to feel like a gift to both of you.

Take away the pressure. When you’re not in the mood for sex, an orgasm may seem out of the question. And you may ask yourself: Why even have sex if I’m not getting the big payoff? But there’s a lot to be said about the stuff that happens before the orgasm. So don’t fixate too much on the end result. Rather, enjoy those moan-inducing caresses and toe-curling nibbles as they’re happening. Remain in the moment. You never know. Your body may surprise you.

Remember how good it was. Remember all the reasons you’re together. Remember what things were like when they were still new and undeniably hot. And then think of how much things have changed. How can you give back to that relationship? What are you willing to do to revitalize it?

Is charity sex better than no sex? And can it be a good thing for your relationship? You tell me.

Bisexual men: Science says they're real

 

Plenty of people identify as bisexual, but scientists are still trying to figure out what that means in terms of physiological arousal and attraction.

A new study in the journal Biological Psychology claims to have at least shown that some men who say they're bisexual actually get aroused by both men and women. And that's a new result; a controversial 2005 study could not demonstrate bisexuality.

This study does find it, perhaps because of the way researchers recruited participants. The new research focuses on self-identified bisexual men who'd had a romantic relationship of at least three months with at least one person of each sex, and at least two sexual partners of each sex - much more specific criteria than previous research used.

"The fact that we found it, especially using this kind of methodology, confirms that men with bisexual arousal patterns and bisexual identity definitely exist," said Allen Rosenthal, lead study author and doctoral student at Northwestern University.

Still, only 35 bisexual men, 31 homosexual men and 34 heterosexual men from the Chicago area participated in the study, which is a relatively small sample size and geographically restricted. More research must be done to confirm these findings, and to see if they apply to a wider group of self-identified bisexuals.

Participants watched a series of three-minute videos, which included two videos depicting two women having sex and two videos depicting men having sex. While viewing these, the volunteers wore penile strain gauges to measure erectile response.

Results showed that men in the bisexual group showed bisexual patterns of arousal, both in terms of their subjective rating of the videos and the measured genital response. They were aroused by watching erotic videos of both male and female same-sex partners.

But the bisexual men's responses also tended to suggest a preference for stimuli of one sex. It's possible that generally bisexual men are attracted to both sexes, but to one more than the other; it's also possible that they are more aroused by women sometimes and men other times.

The study falls short of determining whether most men who say they are bisexual have these arousal patterns; more research is needed in that area.

It also does not look at bisexual women. Other research on women's arousal patterns, however, suggests that regardless of a woman’s self-reported sexuality, she tends to show a certain amount of physiological arousal when viewing erotica involving men, women and men with women.

When the playground becomes a pick-up zone

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